How do manipulators act

When people behave passive-aggressively, what appears passive or defensive is covert aggression. The effect is the same. Being overly-empathic puts you in jeopardy of being mistreated again and again. Psychologist George Simon argues that these covert manipulators intentionally say and do things to get what they want — for power and control. However, their behavior is so habitual that over time it becomes reflexive.

The goal of all manipulation is to gain influence to get our needs met, but habitual manipulators do so for power and control and use deceptive and abusive methods. Manipulators maintain domination through continuous, recurring, emotional manipulation, abuse, and coercive control. They may lie or act caring or hurt or shocked by your complaints — all to deflect any criticism and to continue to behave in an unacceptable manner. In maintaining control to do what they wish, manipulators aim:.

Eventually, you are victimized and can lose trust in yourself and your feelings and perceptions. Gaslighting is a treacherous, disabling form of manipulation. Manipulation may include overt aggression, such as criticism, narcissistic abuse , and subtle forms of emotional abuse. Favorite covert weapons of manipulators are: guilt, complaining, comparing, lying, denying, feigning ignorance or innocence e.

Typical tactics are described below:. Some simultaneously put you on the defensive with accusations and other manipulative tactics. For example, a cheater might say he or she was working late or at the gym, but not admit to an adulterous rendezvous. This is conscious denial to disclaim knowledge of promises, agreements, and behavior. Denial also includes minimization and rationalization or excuses. Manipulators want to avoid being confronted and taking responsibility at all costs.

They may avoid conversations about their behavior by simply refusing to discuss it. Avoidance can be subtle and unnoticeable when a manipulator shifts the subject. Another avoidance tactic is evasiveness that blurs the facts, confuses you and plants doubt. It became apparent that he was a skilled, manipulative liar. This is a popular tactic with some business relationships, but it can happen in personal ones, too. When one person wants to establish control, they may ask probing questions so that you share your thoughts and concerns early.

Emotional manipulators are masters at altering reality with lies, fibs, or misstatements in order to confuse you. If someone overwhelms you with statistics, jargon, or facts when you ask a question, you may be experiencing a type of emotional manipulation.

This is particularly common in financial or sales situations. Also, in the business setting, emotional manipulators may try to weigh you down with paperwork, red tape, procedures, or anything that can get in your way. This is a particular possibility if you express scrutiny or ask questions that draw their flaws or weaknesses into question. If you ask questions or make a suggestion, an emotional manipulator will likely respond in an aggressive manner or try to draw you into an argument.

They may also use the situation to make you feel guilty for expressing your concerns in the first place. If you have a bad day, an emotional manipulator may take the opportunity to bring up their own issues. Critical remarks may be disguised as humor or sarcasm. They will, however, try to find a way to make you feel guilty for everything. This can also happen in the negative sense. Emotional manipulators may dismiss or degrade you without the pretense of jest or sarcasm.

Their comments are designed to chip away at your self-esteem. Often, the manipulator is projecting their own insecurities. When they know your weak spots, they can use them to wound you.

They may make comments and take actions that are meant to leave you feeling vulnerable and upset. During a disagreement or fight, a manipulative person will make dramatic statements that are meant to put you in a difficult spot. A passive-aggressive person may sidestep confrontation. They use people around you, such as friends, to communicate with you instead. When you no longer feel certain about what happened, they can pinpoint the problem on you, making you feel responsible for the misunderstanding.

This is especially true in emotionally charged situations. Gaslighting is a manipulative method with which people try to make you believe that you can no longer trust your own instincts or experience. They make you believe things that did happen are a figment of your imagination.

You lose a sense of reality. It may take time to realize someone is emotionally manipulating you. Manipulative behavior involves three factors, according to Stines: fear, obligation and guilt. You might feel scared to do it, obligated to do it, or guilty about not doing it.

The victim engenders a feeling of guilt in their target. But while manipulators often play the victim, the reality is that they are the ones who have caused the problem, she adds. A person who is targeted by manipulators who play the victim often try to help the manipulator in order to stop feeling guilty, Stines says.

Targets of this kind of manipulation often feel responsible for helping the victim by doing whatever they can to stop their suffering. Nice Guy. In fact, exploiting the norms and expectations of reciprocity is one of the most common forms of manipulation, says Jay Olson, a doctoral researcher studying manipulation at McGill University.

A salesperson, for example, might make it seem like because he or she gave you a deal, you should buy the product. In a relationship, a partner might buy you flowers then request something in return.